One of the most brilliant women I know wrote what I am about to share. She is one of those rare birds you come across in life who’s presence, creativity and nature is so unique that you just sit in awe of this creature who likes and respects YOU and even your ART…through the lens of that which I have yet to ever truly know, she sees the world, feels the world and I have learned fights the world in ways any of us should be privy to witness.

Yes, it’s strange to share this confession…it’s strange to share the struggles, especially when you know the whole story, from personal time with her…it’s strange to wonder if someone would judge…but, in the end, as only she could articulate, I believe this to be universally important to immerse ourselves in for a moment…I believe in her…I accept her as she has accepted me…I root for her and look up to her….
We all have pieces of this story within ours, as with most stories extreme and OTHERS, like a tapestry…like everything…
Peace, be you, Jake
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for the moment, I’ll keep my friends name anonymous…
“I’m not entirely sure why I’m broadcasting this. Maybe because it feels sort of anonymous, or maybe because I don’t have to look into your faces as I explain. Cowardly as that may seem. This could be fleeting, so I need to get it out, chances are pretty high I’ll delete it out of regret tomorrow anyway.
If I tagged you in this note its because you’ve been witness to me in the throws of my disorder, whether you knew it or not. I know those experiences must be frustrating and confusing at the least, so I guess I’m hoping this will serve as a little insight into what its been like for me to live this way.

I’ve had the symptoms of bi-polar disorder since puberty, it started out as mild depression and disassociation, it was chalked up to “low self-esteem” and dramatics. But through high school/into college it split more into recognizable depression vs. mania. I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 just out of high school. I’ve been on every medication out there, the ones that stabilized my moods were usually not worth the side effects. And thereapy was effective when I was able to get myself to go.
Living with bi-polar means always living in extremes: extreme energy, “joy” and speed. vs. extreme sadness, debilitating fear, loss of appetite, and pain.

At my worst extremes I suffer from hypomania to severe mania (I call them up-swings). sometimes for weeks at a time. I won’t eat or sleep for days. I’ll make impulsive decisions (like transferring from school in LA to Orange County only to transfer back six months later) I’m incredibly productive at work, a great salesperson, though self involved and often obnoxiously controlling. (because I’m convinced I’m always right) I talk faster and louder, I move quicker from thing to thing and I lose my hold on certain realities. For me, extreme manic episodes do not end until my body physically gives out (from hunger and sleep deprivation)

My depressive episodes (or down-swings) are more frequent, though typically shorter. Again I stop eating, but I will sleep for days if I’m able. I cry without notice and am so overcome with guilt that I convince myself I’m a burden on everyone in my life. (though to be honest, this symptom is prevalent with me 24/7 and even when I’m not depressed I find I have to remind myself that people actually DO want me around) my social anxiety disorder often keeps me from leaving my house, and under stress i suffer from Dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking) until my arms and legs are bleeding from tons of tiny little holes. I cry so much it becomes physically painful. Its harder for me to breath and my muscles and joints ache. my heart feels broken and I become so sad it hurts.

Some of these symptoms, like the self mutilation, have lessened for me over the years (mostly through self therapies like meditation) but some, like the social anxiety, have grown worse. For someone who used to be a performer and almost every aspect of the word I can’t even sing in front of my boyfriend and while I used to go to Disneyland every week now I have anxiety attacks in grocery stores.

The hardest thing for me is the guilt. At my lowest lows I cry praying someone will just hold me and rock me and protect me but the thought of burdening someone like that keeps me alone in those moments. (hell I’m crying now just sharing this because I know so many of you are going to respond with “you can call me anytime”s and I feel bad making you worry) Its a constant vicious cycle that I cannot seem to escape.

I fill my life with structure and work (sometime with work that makes me miserable) because it keeps me out of my head. I had the day off today and did (almost) nothing. Because of this I got lost in my own thoughts and I slipped into a downswing. I feel so horribly alone but the thought of someone else seeing me this way is mortifying. I’ll come out of it in a day or two, I’ve learned to live this way, I just wish it wasn’t so hard on others.

The whole reason I’m writing this is because I’m neglecting you. I haven’t talked to my best friends in months, yes I’m busy, but its more because I’m so full of shame and when you ask me how I am I don’t want to lie to you. I’ve been an absentee friend, and I know it frustrates you. You don’t deserve this, I love you and I’m sorry for it. I’m working on getting better about it, but please know I don’t do it on purpose.
I’m also writing this because I know a few of you are going through some really tough times. I want nothing more then to help you feel better but lately I’ve had to struggle to get out of bed every day. please know that I’m sending you my love and as soon as i am able I will give you the support you deserve.

Despite everything I am hopeful. I want what everyone wants; love and happiness and I’m willing to fight for it. I’m a lot more controlled than I used to be, I can recognize (usually) when I begin to swing one way or another and I can usually warn people ahead of time. I’m careful about what I eat and i still meditate regularly.Someday I’ll defeat this thing. I want to thank you all for your support, your love, and your patience. I hope this helped (at least a little bit) explain where I’m coming from or how I process. I’m so grateful that you are all in my life, though I am often awful about expressing it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

H
2010

“Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won’t rot.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, or dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

“After the Storm”- Mumford and Sons

For more info on Bipolar disorder visit: http://sharingbipolar.com/ ”