My Someone,

You said to me with swollen eyes, “you’ll make it poetic” But love, there is no poetry in what I will be writing our friends, family, you and myself here tonight.

I keep staring out the window…waiting for you…
But now, far apart in space, there is no chance you’ll come. Still I stare…

In these last few days, the hardest of our lives, letting go, CHOOSING to let go, to say goodbye, I finally discovered what I have been searching for my whole life. Did you feel it too? I finally know what real love is. Thank you.

NO one could hear our story, from meetin gyou at that theater, wide eyed and smoking, shy but brave enough to tell me how my song was your myspace song…oh myspace…remember after those first few weeks when we almost broke the server with our messages. How we’d later admit we would sit by our computers waiting for that light to blink.
Your skin so soft, my heart so open.

You went out and got “Blue” because I said that Joni would help you know me. You did that day…oh i WISH I had a river I could skate away on….

And two people leapt, as we do, and created a life against all odds. And I shared you with my world and you shared yours. Our families became OUR families and you learned to cook for me. I learned what scared you. We traveled and you worked so hard so I could work for my dreams.
We wanted babies.
I wanted to give you the world.
You gave it to me, but I could not receive it.

I should remember in fairness what brought us here, the madness, but no one can really know or understand the truths of what goes on between two people. Do we even know?

Never letting go, but walled apart we fought so long, nearly killing ourselves, nearly hating our “someone”. It was scary and dark and all wrong.
I got lost babe. So lost. And you couldn’t get me back…you were lost too.
We fucked up babe and we knew it. But still we had no answers.

We always argued the blacks and whites and got caught in the grays. We lost our color but didn’t care. Not enough.
I was weak. And I lost you. We spent a year fighting a monster we could see too clearly. Ground in our faces so close we were blinded…like that Damien Rice song we love so much.

I love you. But you know that.
I miss you like a fish misses water. And no, I can’t breathe. But I have to for you, me, US.

But now we know that sometimes to surrender IS to fight, and here we are. It is real, or so I tell myself. But my heart was “taken” long ago and distance can not erase that.

Four years ago the universe spoke to me. It gave me a song from nowhere and a mystery to haunt us both. A gift.

FOR SOMEONE

It was you. It is you. My Someone. I hate myself. I’m sorry but I do. Not the man you once met. Not the man that “knew” when the red haired girl sang her song.
For now, I know our only choice is to follow the prophecy of your song…
“it takes a lot to love another…even more to set them free….”
I believe in you. I will never let you go, but for now I have to set you free. Set myself free from the monster we created. And we must fight it, with all we have, on our own to find our way back.

These last few days proved what we always knew…that our love is REAL and better than we gave it.
I will make you proud and one day soon fight for you again. That’s all you ever wanted…

There is a tiny white string cut through me and stitched to you.

My body is arid, for only so many tears can the heart produce, and yet I will walk now alone, as you will, through our deserts, never stopping until we find the rain. And one day soon, our corners will meet and our blood will spill and we will be clean and strong and ready. It is this hope I will carry.

You consumed me. I, you. You consume me. I, you.
I don’t know who or how or what I am now without you…but my someone I’ll find out..for you…for me…for US.

Forever “taken” and always speaking from my heart.
Rockstar